Hardware and Software
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: In some ways, the Human-Covenant War was no different than no other. Why? Well, because while we've got human tenacity on one hand, we've got human stupidity on the other. Oh, and AIs. They're no different either at times.


**Hardware and Software**

**From: Captain Michael Sullivan, CO of UNSC cruiser **_**Gatesbill**_

**To: Commander Thomas Lasky, XO of UNSC cruiser **_**Ipodrick **_

Hey Tom. Wassup?

I can say wassup can't I? Hope I can. I've just sent a detailed report of the events of the past twenty-four hours, said report being a chore to write as always. Formal, boring, and like all reports, was formally boring. But hey, we can talk like bros, right?

So, anyway, I'm taking out the Y out in a patrol around Arcadia. Good ship, good crew. Wish it had a good AI as well, but…well, I'll get to that. Anyway, like I was saying, we were on patrol. The official line is that we're kicking arse and taking names. The unofficial line is that we're only kicking arse. I can't say I've taken many Covie names. It's the price of being latecomers to the war I guess. By the time Corbulo was hit, all the aliens had their names already. So unless I discover what these Elites, Grunts, Jackals and Hunters actually call themselves, I can't say I'm taking names. I…oh yeah.

So, anyway, I'm commanding the _Gatesbill_. _Halcyon_-class cruiser. Not the best type of ship in the universe, but hey, it gets the job done. Enough to give me confidence when a Covenant frigate exited from slipspace. I mean, yeah, this could have been bad. We want to hide our continued occupation on Arcadia a secret from the Covies ever since the battle fought there back in '34. They could bug out then and there and bring lightning and fire down on the poor sods below. But come on, a cruiser against a frigate? Come on, I couldn't let that pass up. Take out the bastards, keep Arcadia a secret, kick arse, and if by some miracle the frigate was taken intact, perhaps we could take a few names as well.

So, anyway, you know how it is Tom. Sirens blazing, firewalls up, action stations, every measure to ensure that the frigate is taken out as soon as possible, and if by some chance we have to bug out, ensure that it's a randomized vector, Cole Protocol, blah blah blah. Didn't think much of it at the time. We saw the frigate, they saw us, and being the genocidal maniacs that they are, the Covies onboard decided they could take us. I felt quite happy at the time. Happy enough to forget that my ship's AI, Steve, could do one of the many jobs I assigned him to do.

Steve, I hear you ask? Well, yeah. I called him Steve after the guy who delivered him to the ship. Straight from Microsoft on Earth. They're in the AI production business, didn't you know? Well, this was Steve's first battle with us, but I didn't have any misgivings. Even if he was in charge of weapons. Enough for me to give my XO, Dave, to give our AI, Steve, the order for the MAC to fire (chain of command is funny like that).

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I cannot do that."

Okay, maybe that wasn't _exactly _what he said, but point is, Steve was refusing to fire. Archer missiles were ready, autocannons were ready, we even had a nuke ready, but you know as well as I do that these babies aren't much good against Covies unless we get their shields down first. A job that's reserved for our MACs.

"Dave, I cannot fire the MAC."

Well, this pissed Dave off, and after hearing him shout over the klaxon that our AI had gone rampant, I was pissed off as well. Pissed off, because a "dumb" AI shouldn't go rampant. Pissed off, because my MAC wasn't firing. Pissed off, because the Covies _were _firing, and the _Gatesbill _was being hit.

So yeah, being pissed off, I started yelling at Steve. Demanding that he fire. Demanding an explanation as to why he couldn't, or wouldn't. He gave me an answer, but…well…

"I cannot fire a MAC. I am a Microsoft product. The MAC is created by Apple."

…

…

…

Yeah, I could add more ellipsis, but you get the idea. Steve, the backstabbing bastard that he was, had put corporate ideals before the future of the human race. That, or maybe he really was "dumb" and had mistaken a MAC for a Mac. So, anyway, a lot of shouts and sirens later, the jackass was unplugged. I smirked as I saw his avatar wink out, as I saw that flying window fade. And with that, I munched on an apple as our MAC was finally fired and the Covie frigate sent ten ways to Tuesday. Or Thursday. Whatever.

So yeah. Made a report to FLEETCOM. Frigate destroyed, no serious damage, Arcadia still safe, and a list of recommendations to ensure that the ideals of the UEG are put before…stuff. Lots of flower language that I'll spare you. But I mean, come on Tom. Microsoft? Apple? Seriously?

After all, we both know that Linux is the best system to use.

* * *

_A/N_

_Yeah, this 'joke's been around for a long time for me, had to get out sometime. And for what it's worth, I use a PC. I'm a computer noob like that. ;)  
_


End file.
